Car Log

Completed:

Overall clean-up
Install AUX-IN
Installed Dash Clock
Fixed Front Driver's Window
Added Maplite Dome Light

Things that need to be done:

Clean out mold from interior
Detail/Get rid of dog hair
Reupholster headliner
Fix Dash Clock - Wire it up, install lightbulb
Fix Squealing Noise
Full Tune Up

Still one of my favorite commercials of all time

Sadly it never got air time because some people (*cough*focusonthefamily*cough*) felt it was unacceptable because it "promoted" the homosexual lifestyle. I guess the only way we can keep ourselves from "promoting" a homosexual lifestyle and "shoving our homosexuality down their throats" is by burning gays at the stake or covering our ears while walking down the street screaming "LALALALALAGAYSDON'TEXISTLALALALALA".

Peh.

I need a vacation from work. Classes are eating me alive and I'm now recovering from a two day, non-effort, due to me being in LA and visiting Marie. I can't do both anymore. My boyfriend wants me to stick through it, but I think he just prioritizes my income over my education, which I don't. Especially not since I will be getting Financial Aid in a week or so. He's worried that it won't come in a format that I can use or whatever, but I've been assured otherwise. I noticed that he always encourages me to not get my hopes up about something, because of all these things that could go wrong with it.

I tend to disagree with that outlook. I'd rather raise my hopes up about everything and have them crushed then always being pessimistic. The thing is that when my hopes are crushed, it's really not all that devastating. I pick up the pieces and move on, after all there are always new opportunities and new horizons.

We enjoyed a nice Fourth of July, but it was promptly soured when my bf's mom realized that her other son had stolen yet ANOTHER precious memento to pawn off for drugs or whatever. She was wailing the way my mother would wail when I'd get a D in a class, suspended from school, or tell her I was gay. Makes me want to thwack that boy upside his head. I got disowned by my parents simply for being with the one I loved, while he is severely emotionally and financially harming his family and his mother continues to hold on to him and refuse to punish him because she "can't take it". I really can't understand her mentality.

I, and everyone else I know would kick that loser out on his ass, but she's far too soft. It's not entirely her fault, but I can draw some connections to the way her son acts and her lack of action when it comes to disciplining him. I wonder how Erik turned out so well.

When I saw how much I was hurting my parents simply by being gay, I up and left, because I was tired of hurting them. Without me there as a physical reminder, I believe in time they should be able to let me go and forget about me at least to the extent where my mother isn't wailing every night and attempting to commit suicide. I am after all a human being. I am separate, I am an individual, and if I choose it, I can choose to have no connections to anyone else in this life.

If that boy of hers has any shred of humility or shame left, he'll just leave on his own and support himself rather than simply mooching off his parents. They give him so much shit, he doesn't know how good he has it. They just bought him a new car and a new motorcycle (he's had like 1 or 2 cars before as well which he destroyed). And he complains that his parents don't give him enough, saying that if he had money like they did, he'd buy his kids a sports car or whatever. He's a dumb-ass kid who is already screwed because he got himself addicted to stupid shit.

Missed work today because we were up so late last night, and I have a shitton of homework to do.

I've started classes!!!

I've started classes, and posting in this blog may be the onset of the procrastination that I already feel setting in.

I'm very apprehensive about this new quarter. First off, I'm not very confident at all in the knowledge of my subject matter. Sure I was able to pretty much ace the CSET tests (save for that last essay question), but a standing understanding of a broad knowledge of Biology which can be maintained over a long period of time and explained to students is very different than the ability to cram for an ace a subject matter test, which is what I've felt I've done. I am by no means an expert at Biology and in many instances I've had to run to the textbook to look up an answer to a question a student has asked me.

Sure I've probably encountered all these answers before in my past, but I have by no means internalized them. I am unsure how well prepared my cohort is in the teaching program. Notably, most of them are social science majors, but I fear I won't be able to stand up to the knowledge of my fellow Biology focused friends. Speaking of which, Biology dominates the Science content focusers, over every other subject. Not too surprising seeing as how it seems to be one of the most common majors in Universities these days.

I am already swamped with work, and I spent the better part of yesterday simply organizing all my deadlines and class times in a calendar. I still don't have everything, as I'm waiting on the syllabus for a certain class. I've also very nearly spent 500 dollars on books for this quarter alone. My budget of 1700 for books for the whole year may have been a gross underestimate. I honestly do have a passion for teaching, but I really don't feel it at this moment taking classes which I have to bus-Bart-bus-walkfor30minutesinthesun to. I am still desperately waiting for Financial Aid to come through. At this point, I believe I have attained it, but am simply waiting for the damned bureaucracy to finish doing whatever it is they're doing. I owe the school over 2000 dollars, and my mind is beginning to lose its financial acumen. I've been blowing my budget with impulse purchases for two weeks now, and I have near to no income. I also (DESPERATELY DESPERATELY PLEASE-GOD-OH-PLEASE-GIVE-ME-ONE) need a car. I really want to move as well, as I can't take it much longer in this 4 foot by 4 foot square box.

At least my campus is beautiful. I am taking 6-7 classes this summer with the same exact people that I will be having in all of my classes for the next year, so I hope I don't get sick of them or they don't get sick of me. Actually, I think that this is a very good way of going about things. Reminds me of Elementary School, where you had the same classmates all year. You network, you actually get to know people (instead of sitting there for an hour and disappearing off to lord-knows-where without talking to a soul - Like I usually do), and exchange contact information so you can watch out for each other in case you forget something. As always I still feel a bit like an outsider. When the big group of students is out having lunch together at the same table in the quad, I'm generally inside buying something to eat, or talking on my phone. I guess it takes effort to simply gravitate to large crowds of people and integrate yourself into it. I'm probably simply not interested. I'm content with being friendly and cooperative, but by no means am I a 'buddy'. I know teachers are supposed to teach group activity and working together, but I guess I'm a poor model for that.

Red Algae - Agar

Gelidium and Gracilaria

Should be cooked, boiled, and dried out to make agar.

Creep

So I was listening to a song today that reminded me of my high school years on my way back from work today (if anyone is wondering, it was "Creep" by Radiohead), and of my awkward feelings of love towards this fellow named James who I had a huge crush on. Since I graduated from High School I had always wondered what had happened to James, because the last I'd heard of him his mom had died, and he dropped out of classes and college track team, and I think he was still dating that bitch he was dating in High School that made him look completely unhappy all the time. I've never really been able to talk to him since I started crushing on him (oddly enough, I sat in the same group with him for half a year and had no problem talking to him or had any feelings for him for whatever reason). The last time I talked to him, was extremely awkward and embarrassing, and I can't really describe it.

Anyway, this song really filled me with memories of him, and his beautiful smile. I had searched on Facebook and the rest of the internet for him for about 5 years now? He never came up. I decided to try again today, and lo and behold his page came up. It was brand new, and he had 20 friends, and his profile picture had that same good'ol beautiful smile of his and he was standing next to a beautiful girl who looked really kind. She was wearing an Army shirt, and his page noted that he was a Specialist in the Army, as a Field Medic.

I'm just extremely happy to know that he's doing well now. He'll never know the feelings I had for him, and I'll probably never stop loving him from afar and wishing him well and safe wherever he is. I didn't friend him on Facebook, and I don't think I will. I just wanted to know that he was still around, and now I do. =]

Financial Aid

I recently got accepted for the dependency override for financial aid. However while I was waiting for that, I should have filled out a bunch of forms and applied for scholarships. I now have a four day deadline to get some letters of rec and write out another personal statement. In any case, things are looking up.

My boyfriend is driving me crazy. I don't know why he does this, but some times he just totally shuts himself off from me and gets pissy and angry. It really pisses me off. The worst thing is, even if I wanted to break up with him, it's probably not possible at this point because he is supporting me, more than I am supporting him. For instance, he always has the option of going back home or borrowing money from parents. I don't, so I am more dependent on him to keep making his rent payments and such. I love him though and I don't want it to come to that. But I really am in a precarious position until I can finally get a stable career.

These past few years, I've learned how to be more aggressive. However, I've also learned that aggressiveness does not always entail confidence, and rarely equals courage.

Decal

My laptops bumper stickers are looking kind of worn out. I need to get new ones. Here's some:

I Dig Dirt

I have this one already, but I probably need a new one since it's all faded.

Dig

Biology Grows on You

I'll Be Bach!

Budgets

I keep falling out of spec with my budget plans and overspending. I do well with my budget for like a week or more, but then I forget about it, and it becomes a huge stressful thing that I have to fight every step of the way.

I decided to simply not get so stressed about it, and when I mess up on my budget, just simply remind myself to stay on it and keep my spending down.

So my bills monthly are: $60 for Cell Phone Bill, $23 for Violin Rental, $60 Something for Union Dues?.

Travel expenditures should not exceed $70 a month. This includes 2 bus passes a month, and carpooling fees.

Food shouldn't exceed $200 a month. Pharmaceuticals and other toiletries: $15

Altogether, for necessities that comes out to about $430 dollars. Rent is $300 a month, so $730 a month required.

For pleasure buys I'll set aside $50 dollars a month, so $780.

$100 a month goes to my Rainy-Day Fund. I guess around $75 to $100 should go to my car fund. I'm really not going to be making much progress on my car fund, really. That's kinda sad, but I can't do much about it because I'm not making enough income to even be putting anything away really.

I'm really under the gun here with the FAFSA dependency thing. I hope I can get it all in on time. I'm still waiting on Marie's Letter. I dunno how exactly I'm gonna get it or whatever either. Or who I'm gonna send everything to.

So yesterday, me and Erik went to clean out his brother's room. He was sent to jail for various reasons. I dunno what's really going on. But Erik is being lame and very withdrawn all day today. His mom really needs to whip her kid into shape and just spank that brat already. I mean you don't have to get as crazy as my parents but some discipline is needed at least. Anyway, I feel really sorry for her and their family, but coming from a family which hit us for looking at each other the wrong way, I really can't relate, other than to Erik's bro, because I've been in jail before too. xP

It really sucked. They stripped me to my boxers and made me sit naked in a room that had the same temperature as a meat locker. When I peed, they made me stand with the door open and a guy literally looking over my shoulder so you'd get hella nervous. They accuse you of doing everything wrong possible (they said my allergy pills were drugs and a bunch of other shit). It's not a fun place. Your neighbors aren't that fun either. The girl in the next room was trying to commit suicide by cutting her wrists on the screws in the wall for the electrical outlets. She only stopped when they wheeled in one of those straight-jacket contraptions and told her if she didn't stop they'd stick her in there.

This week at work they're making me pull a 2am to 9am shift in the middle of the week. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna fucking die. I don't know how I'm gonna get there either. I might stay at Erik's parents house, but that doesn't seem like a very fun place recently with current events.

I still need to call the Credential Center and see if they have all my documents. Bleh, I hope everything goes well. All this worrying is stressing me out. I'm not making enough money at work. I really need to finish school and have a career already.

Getting my letters in order

In order to get Financial Aid, I have to write a denigrating letter and get two references who know the situation between me an my parents. I really hated having to write these letters and it took me the better part of 2 weeks. I only need to finalize the letters now, and send them out. I'm still waiting on Marie's revision of the letter which I sent her. I will contact her about it again tomorrow.

I have work tomorrow at 5 in the morning again. Liquor department at Safeway isn't that bad. Stocking is nice and quiet and you just have to get your work done. I've been earning enough to pay rent and just enough for food every week; not much else.

The reality of having to start school in the Summer is beginning to hit me. I'm trying to get everything in order, and contact the Credentials department to see if they've received pretty much all of my stuff. I think the only thing they have yet to receive is Mr. G's letter of recommendation. That should put the final stamp on the confirmation. I've already been conditionally accepted and I'm so glad that's out of the way. The problem now is paying for it, which I'm trying to remedy with the FAFSA dependency override form. It's utterly ridiculous that a teaching credential is regarded as a 5th year undergraduate degree for "financial aid purposes".

I need 20,000 dollars at most for the entire year. I'll be making 30,000 dollars when I first get my job as a teacher at the very least. I probably won't use the entire 20,000, but if it comes down to it, I'll have to apply for a loan with my bank. I'm hoping that it won't be difficult to be accepted for such a loan. But if I have to put down my parents information on the FAFSA, there's just no way that it's going to get done.

I'd also like to try and get some scholarships, grants, or loan assumptions which are available for incoming teachers. I have to say that I've been putting my heart and soul into this goal. I'm even reading tons of material about good techniques for teachers and how to motivate kids. My favorite book so far is "Teach like a Champion: 49 Techniques..." etc. It has really really good advice and goes over all the aspects you should think about if you're a teacher. I'm planning to finish reading it over once, and then one or more times highlighting my favorite sections and perhaps taking notes before I start my credential program.

I also liked reading "How to become a Straight A student" which I've mentioned earlier. I will probably reference those techniques and attempt to teach them to the kids. Anyway, I should be getting to bed now, since I have to wake up at 4. Me and Erik are doing great right now. I just need to get in the mood to start cooking again for dinners or else he'll go hungry. xD

So I've been feeling like I've lost Focus

The problem is I don't exactly know what I've lost focus from. There are a number of things I should be doing such as: writing the letters of recs for my two recommenders and get them to the financial aid department of my school. This is of high importance. I should also check in on the status of my documents at CSU East Bay. Summer is fast approaching and I don't really have a plan on how I'm going to support myself through school, commute to classes, or anything.

Anyway, I wrote myself this little guide of what to do if I lose focus:

• reassess your goals
• identify your distractions
• limit your distractions as much as possible
• break down your goal into smaller achievable steps
• formulate a long term plan to achieve each step by a determined deadline
• use daily time management and scheduling to make progress towards goal
• note progress in journal

Taking some tips from LifeOptimizer.com which generally has fairly common sense tips, but brings to my attention things about which I should be actively thinking about anyway, I can utilize the 21-day habit forming technique.

I plan to do this with writing in this blog, and get back into the habit of daily blogging.

I should also share my goals or this journal with positive peers or like-minded peers.

Money

I passed the US Constitution test. It was a breeze actually. I also have an interview with the admissions board on March 1st. I'm rather nervous about that. I'm frantically getting all the rest of the things together for that. In particular, I still need volunteer hours within a class room.

Another large worry of mine is money. Actually it's really straining my relationship with my boyfriend. Although I place paying the rent above everything in priority, he doesn't seem to trust me. I am working at Safeway for 8.75 an hour. It's pretty sad for a University Graduate. Lately they've only been giving me 20 hour work weeks which isn't cutting it if I want to live. I recently got my manager to start giving me more hours, and this week I have a 40 hour work week. The problem is I don't have a car, so I either have to ride my bike to work everyday (7 miles each way, about an hour and a half each way) and I have shifts from 3 to midnight, so it kind of sucks especially with the rainy weather, or rely on my boyfriend to give me a ride. He doesn't mind doing it every now and then, but lately with the weather being horrible and my shifts being extra late, he's starting to stress about it. He also seems to have the mentality that I spend a lot of money. I spent 15 dollars on groceries last week. I purchased a rice cooker so we could save money by eating cheap rice and having it for meals. It really pisses me off when he doesn't trust me with my own money. He's younger than me, and hasn't finished college, but he makes more money than me, purely through luck.

I decided I'm going to start trying to get a substitute teaching position. That might justify getting a loan for a car and will help me pay for it. I just am totally clueless about how to go about it. It's going to be stressful juggling a fourty hour work week, planning my interview with the admissions committee, and attempting to get a volunteer position.

We'll see how it works out. I was declined for a credit card again, because I couldn't verify my address since I just moved here, and am on a sublease that's probably illegal. I don't know. Things will probably work out.

It's rainy, and I'm going to sleep

It's been a couple of weeks since I said goodbye to my family, and disowned them, and moved in with my boyfriend to my new life in the Bay Area. I got a job at Safeway again, as a courtesy clerk. It's going to be tough because I have no car.

I recently sent in my application packet to CSU East Bay for the Teacher Education Department. There are a few things that I still need to get in order however, such as the US Constitution test which I have to take on Thursday which I didn't study at all for yet, and my last bit of volunteering, which although I thought I set it up with the High School my boyfriend went to, they haven't yet gotten back to me. I wish they could give me a definite answer such as a yes or a no, rather than leave me hanging but whatever. We'll see if they schedule me an interview. I've got work tomorrow, so it's gonna be a bitch studying before work and then having to bike down there.

I have to say, I hate my job. Especially since it almost seemed like I rose to the top at my old Safeway and I'm starting all the way back down at the bottom again. At least they recognize that I'm better than all the other courtesy clerks they have there right now. I'm just afraid of becoming a permanent Safeway Employee and ending up like all permanent Safeway employees which is bitter, a bad sense of humor, but two-faced.

It's raining right now, and I love the sound, but I can't sleep.

I'm living with an old man and my boyfriend. The old man sleeps in the kitchen, is a war vet and sometimes drinks a little too much wine every night to kill his pain. He has a caretaker that comes in the daytime. They're both good people. She is a lesbian so that might be why he didn't feel disinclined to rent to us just because we were gay.

Living without well enough means to support myself is very hard. I can't get a car because I don't have car insurance. I don't want to rely on my boyfriend because he can't handle it and won't tolerate that either. I'm on my own, barely making any money working at a job that treats me like a slave with an uncertain future. Even next week is uncertain. Sometimes though I just feel so happy.

A customer at work told me I was too happy. Someday life would happen and take that smile right off my face. I just laughed. There was no way that he would know that even though I'm 22, I've been beaten, broken, penniless, homeless, disowned, barely a friend in the world, and working at the shitty job he's seen me at. I'm not faking my smile either. God gave me an indomitable soul, and the smile I wear is always sincere. I'm thankful of where I am now, and only hope that I can overcome the trials set before me, while retaining my sense of self, and my ambition, my drive, and my imagination.

I think, in some ways, setting out to live on your own is a much tougher decision than joining the military as was my previous choice. You're out on your own with no one to support you. I realize the reason I wanted to join the army was because I was so afraid of the real world. I wanted a pre-regimented schedule. I wanted someone to tell me what to do with my life because I had no clue. Eventually I weighed that against the 6 to 8 years I would have to spend with them running my entire life without any choices to be made by me; having to lie for those 6 to 8 years about who I loved and never seeing my boyfriend.

I want to always celebrate my birthday with a fire. A bonfire or a campfire, any type of fire underneath the night sky. I've decided this and I will do my best to stick to this resolution for the rest of my years. The first year I started was last year at Muir Beach. It was probably one of the most memorable birthdays I've had thus far.

I  feel sorry for the man that lives here. He can't walk. I would hate that. I want to be able to go everywhere. I'm feeling trapped as it is, but all my worries are insignificant in comparison to what he's living with every day. What he has lived in his life. I've still lived almost nothing, even though I've lived a lot for my age. I want to get a job as a teacher, and use my summers to travel the world and help scientists or do good. I want to get accepted into CSU East Bay. I want to get the Financial Aid I applied for. I want to get my volunteer hours done. I want to pass my US Constitution Test. I want to get enough hours and pay at Safeway to support myself through this. I want to get a second job perhaps as a substitute teacher. I want to go to sleep.

So my plans for the future

I've read that people have more of a chance of success with their goals if they write them down or tell them to someone. This is common sense, but sometimes I need to remind myself to have common sense. I've read a few books, and I'd like to be able to get the most out of them by helping me to remember what I've read from them. I've always had trouble getting good grades. I believe I'm extremely smart, but I'm also pretty damn lazy. So I bought and completely read a book on how to get straight A's. From this book I'm going to apply the following techniques:

• Bust procrastination by following their calendar and to-do list technique, taking every available opportunity to finish work
• Attend every damn class once I'm in school again, and take very complete notes using the Question, Evidence, Conclusion format, or the technical format for whatever applies.
• Do the appropriate readings and homework using the time-management techniques
• Follow their techniques for preparing for tests by creating practice tests from the notes and using them to simply review what I've already spent a long time learning throughout the rest of the semester
• Follow their techniques for writing research papers

I'm also going to read more about writing up good answers for essay questions.

 My aspirations tend to be pretty damn grand, and most people tell me I can't do this or that, and that may be so, but I'm still going to harbor them.

For now, as I've said, my goal is to become a biology teacher. This involves applying to cheap CSU East Bay and getting accepted and getting through the curriculum, while working part-time at Safeway in Moraga. I will get straight A's in the courses using the techniques aforementioned. And while being a Bio teacher is a pretty good career in and of itself and one of the main reasons I'm doing it is because I absolutely love teaching and inspiring others, my real goal is to obtain a method of sustainment while having an occupation that allows me a lot of free time for independent research and further schooling and innovation.

Once I have ample credentials, or courses, or I've done impressive enough research, or whatever, I will apply to a prestigious engineering school and get either a bachelor's or a master's in engineering. These institutions can include CalTech, Harvey Mudd, or MIT. I really want to do MIT.

During my time at MIT and perhaps a few years before and after, I will work on making my random inventions a reality. I want to contribute to the technology of humanity to make it a better place, and my inspiration will be the betterment of the human condition over profitability, but if a few of my innovations happen to be profitable without it being immoral to keep it from those without money, then so be it, and I can create my own funding. I believe innovation never runs out, and just because you make one amazing invention doesn't mean you can't make others that are equally as amazing.

I like branching into as many disciplines as I can, and mixing and mashing them. My goals probably aren't very coherent but whatever, I'm just putting down a stream of thought at the moment.

Moving Sale!

Hello! I'm moving out of my half-plex, so all my things are on sale. It all needs to go in the next week, so it's all really cheap. Here are the items:

Kitchen table with 4 chairs - $50
Blue armchair - $15

Green armchair - $15

Simmons Queen-size Mattress - $30
Standing lamp with mini lamp - $10
Set of 3 cork boards (1 large, 2 small) - $10
Cafe-Style clock and chalkboard (wood) - $15
Brass Jungle Lamp - $15
Light box for tracing - $5
Custom painted Green Bookshelf - $10
Canon EOS Rebel 2000 Camera - $40
Twin Grayhounds Bookends - $10
Futon with foldable frame (includes memory foam mattress cover and brown embroidered futon cover) - $80

Anything over 10 dollars can be haggled slightly, but I put the range of prices that I am looking to get. They're already all really really discounted.

If interested, please email me at element5@live.com.

Pictures and Descriptions:

Kitchen Table with 4 chairs: In very good condition, was bought new at $200. For $50

A blue arm chair: Very comfortable. Had a rip on one side but sewed up with yarn. $15 obo

A green suede armchair: very comfy. A tear was behind the back cushion but was sewed back up. $15 obo

 Simmons Mattress: Queen size. $30

Very new standing lamp. $10

Set of 3 cork boards. One large, and two small. $10 for all four.

Cafe style chalk board clock.Chalkboard area is made of wood and spray on chalk-board surface. $15

Jungle Lamp made of brass. Very good quality. $15

Light box for tracing. $5

Custom painted green bookcase. $10

Greyhound book ends. Very nice quality. $10

Canon EOS Rebel 2000 Camera. Not digital! $40 obo

Futon with foldable frame. Memory foam mattress cover is optional. Comes with a brown embroidered futon cover. $80 obo